“Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle.” Like many quotes on Instagram, this one is styled in a cutesy sans serif font and has the beigeness of a black-and-white image that’s been reposted and refiltered dozens of times over. Below it are the hashtags #CaffeineAddict, #WorkingMomLife, and the clincher, #DeathBeforeDecaf.
It’s on the more offensive end of a spectrum made up of thousands of coffee-related quotes on Instagram that imply the poster would rather literally die before drinking a morning beverage that didn’t contain caffeine. They range from the cutesy (“But first, coffee”) to the self-deprecating (“I’m sorry for what I said before I had my coffee”) to the vaguely threatening (“I drink coffee for your protection” or “Coffee: a magical substance that turns ‘leave me alone or die’ into ‘good morning, honey!’”).
There are coffee memes for moms, coffee memes for CrossFitters, for entrepreneurs, even ones for multilevel marketers. Scrolling through coffee hashtags on Instagram, you begin to suspect that the entire world is being held together with a single substance, that America actually does run on Dunkin’.