No longer will Generation-Xer and Hipsters be forced to endure the indecency and bourgeois foodservice practice of being offered prepared coffee in cafes and specialty coffeehouses. Completely ignoring the farm-to-table approach of many culinarians, and transparent supply-chains or other specialty coffee professionals, the slow/deconstructed coffee menu has taken the specialty coffee world over and is now being considered to be launched by more than one café.
Already awarded the best new product at all the major specialty coffee trade associations by unanimous decrees and from online voting, the slow/deconstructed coffee menu is presented below.
Customers will be presented with a menu to select their preference of green (unroasted) coffee. A separate menu will then list the various micro-roasting devises available for the customer to select. A thirds menu for water quality lists the dry minerals in various combinations that the consumer my order – these are to be manually added to artisanal, hand-mixed hydrogen and oxygen.
A separate seminar will be available for consumers to learn about the various mineral combinations uses throughout the world. A second level seminar will be offered online-only for consumers who wish to learn about each mineral and how their different combination will change the way the spiked water and self-roasted coffee interact.
At this point in the ordering process, the consumers will be led on a walking tour of metals, electronic parts, and heating devices to select the components for their very own, hand-crafted water-heating-coffee-extraction-pouring-and-serving-device. A separate seminar offered for limited audiences, by invitation only – (after providing an inquiry on a surveymonkey email and only for those who previously successfully pass an entrance exam on electric engineering) will provide university-level training on the various energy sources available to the consumer for both roasting and brewing.
To save the consumer time and expense, various motors, and solar, wind, thermal, and flatulence collectors which have been previously disassembled, will be available for immediate use. And special premium upcharge is available for consumers who wish to use printed operations manual to assemble the equipment to collect and provide energy – however comments already received indicate to no consumers who wish to participate in slow/deconstructed coffee would ever, ever revert back to a baby-boomer approach of using an operations manual or assembly directions.
The final step for all consumer in the slow/deconstructed coffee operations is to harvest one’s own clay from artisanal, certified, and accredited clay pits through a transparent, direct-trade business model. After constructing their own pottery-wheel and connecting to the already created energy source and artisanal motor, the clay shall be sculpted into a coffee pot and coffee cup. Local Kilns will be available for the consumers to use – however they must connect their self-created energy source to execute the glazing and firing of their pottery.
Now the slow/deconstructed coffee consumer is able to build, construct, connect, and operate their equipment to roast, and brew their very own coffee beverage.
The slow/deconstructed coffee menu creators have scheduled a meeting with PETA and the USDA to begin discussing how dairy cows and sugar cane can be incorporated on the menu. However, the construction of communications devices to make first contact has not yet been scheduled.
By B. A. Ware and Lou Zar