Consumerism reports: $44 coffee pods save America

Oh, coffee, coffee, coffee, that earthy and stimulating substance. Do not speak to me before I’ve had it, as my brain does not function properly without it. And don’t speak to me after I’ve consumed it, because I won’t be able to hear you when my head is in the pantry searching for a new bottle of Dave’s coffee syrup, that Rhode Island-inspired concoction that once made me a high-IQ genius for a brief period of time. I crave coffee constantly!

Fortunately, my new friends at Cometeer sent me an innovative new coffee pod treatment for use at home after I begged for it with numerous exclamation marks in the Twitter direct message section. According to the company’s marketing materials, Cometeer is a “world-class cup of coffee that is ready in seconds.” Cometeer partners with well-known roasters such as Go Get Em Tiger and Counter Culture and flash-freezes a super-concentrated liquid coffee into a Nespresso-like aluminum pod. Cometeer sends you a box packed in dry ice containing 32 pods for $44, and all you have to do is melt the frozen coffee disc inside the pod in hot water or let it melt overnight in the refrigerator.

Being sent anything in the mail is a rarity at Consumerism Reports (I had to purchase my own tomato timer and $399 facial vibrator, a cruel and inhumane fate), so I must admit that I was extremely excited for Cometeer before it arrived. When it finally arrived on Monday at 4:00 p.m., I consumed it with hyperaggression, despite my bedtime being in five hours. I chose a Square Mile brew from an English roaster to honor my muse, the Queen, who is currently snoozing on a couch in Scotland.

I first prepared it as cold brew and then as regular hot coffee with a foamy layer of half-and-half on top. My verdict? That mud is good, baby!

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